I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
