My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
