Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
