I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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