I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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