mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
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