I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
