Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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