My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Shame - the story of my life.
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