i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize