babies were throwing up all over the place
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
