I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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