Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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