So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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