Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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