seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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