I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
