Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Text me some of your sweat
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
