i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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