I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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