Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
