i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
