ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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