I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Can you bring me the toilet please
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
