I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
