He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
