I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
