I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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