I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
