Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
