i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
