Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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