rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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