so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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