Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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