dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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