These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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