its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
