sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
