3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
