I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
