I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
