I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
