Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
