Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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