closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize