my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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