i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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