Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
