new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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