So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
