Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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