my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
