I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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