this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
