I'm really into asian looking animals
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
