I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Damn victory sex feels great
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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