I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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