I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
