birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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