I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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