The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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